翻译错误或者不当之处欢迎指正，吐槽无趣请无视。

Today, I got a rose from my boyfriend. The card read "it's over". FML

今天，我从男朋友那里收到了一束玫瑰，里面附着一张小卡片，上面写着“我们结束了” FML
(孩子，好好过年吧(拍肩))

Today, I got an alert from Facebook that it was my very popular and attractive classmate's birthday. I decided to be sweet and write "Happy birthday" on her wall, only to notice it wasn't there a few minutes later. I rewrote it again and it disappeared. After three attempts, I took the hint. FML

今天facebook提醒我有一个非常有魅力而且很受欢迎的女同学要过生日了。于是我决定在留言板上祝她生日快乐，但是发现留言很快就不见了。我再写，情况还是一样。三次尝试以后我终于反应过来是怎么回事了。FML
(美女很忙，宅男勿扰)

Today, my mom picked me up from school due to me being sick. Afterwards, she took a detour to the DMV, and I waited in the car. I ended up vomiting everywhere, clothes included, and had to sit in the car for three hours while the taste and smells lingered. FML

今天我生病了，老妈来学校接我。结果中途她绕远路去了机动车管理局，我在车里等着。最后我忍不住了，吐的到处都是，然后和这些脏东西一起呆了三个小时。FML
(没事，吐啊吐啊就习惯了的。。。)

Today, someone thought it would be funny to switch the signs on the bathroom doors. Fortunately, I knew which was the men's and went on in. The startled old woman inside, however, did not. FML

今天有人恶作剧把卫生间上的男女标志换了一下。还好我知道男厕所到底是在那边就走了进去，结果看到一个老太太震惊的看着我--显然她并不像我这么明白。FML
(巴嘎，这个时候聪明个什么劲啊，装糊涂进错不好么？)

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday and my mom promised me she'd buy me a car. She came home with a toy lego car. FML

今天是我16岁的生日，老妈答应给我买辆车。她没撒谎，我得到了一辆乐高的玩具车。FML
(要啥自行车！)

Today, I bought myself a flower for Valentine's Day to be delivered to myself from "Anonymous". FML

今天我给自己订了一份情人节花束，嘛，按照订单上来说应该是由“无名君”送给我的。FML
(无名君你好，我也要一束花)

Today, I realized I can never live with my fiancee. A childhood of systematic teasing, abuse, and humiliation has made me terrified to use a bathroom around a guy if there's the slightest chance I can be heard, seen, or even have anyone know what I'm up to. Therapy has yet to fix anything. FML

今天我发现我根本无法和我的未婚妻一起过。童年被骚扰和嘲笑留下的阴影让我至今不敢在周围有人能听见或者看见我的时候上厕所，而且至今为止的心理治疗也啥用都没。FML
(FML主是个女的，fiancee....恩)

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to sleep over at his house. Then he found out that it was that time of the month for me, so he told me that he had to work this weekend and said "see you sometime next week." He doesn't have a job. FML

今天，我男朋友本想让我去他家过夜。但得知这几天是我来大姨妈的日子后，就告诉我他周末要去上班还说“下周见吧”。喂，你不是无业游民么？FML
(那个，他只是在每个月的特定几天在高炮旅打工而已啦)

Today, in my psychology class, we were given a sheet that had a list of stressful events and we were to select the ones we had experienced in the last 12 months. I got highest in my class of above an 80% chance of getting a life threatening illness due to stress. Everyone laughed. FML

今天在心理学课上，老师发了一张表，上面列出了一系列让人感到压力的事，我们要从中选出自己在过去一年里经历过的。调查结果显示我有80%的几率因为压力而患上致命的疾病，位居全班之首。大家都笑而不语。FML
(还不明白吗？你只是“火炬”而已)

Today, the day of my 29th birthday and two weeks after our 10th wedding anniversary, the only thing my husband got me for my birthday was divorce papers. Happy birthday, bitch. FML

今天是我29岁的生日，2周前我们刚度过结婚10周年纪念日。结果我从丈夫那里收到的生日礼物是一纸离婚协议。好吧，祝我自己这个蠢女人生日快乐。FML
(丈夫：“当年的18岁幼妻变成了现在的黄脸婆，我不能接受！”)

Today, my very drunk mother decided to run down the block naked, screaming at the top of her lungs, "She's trying to kill me" as I followed behind her in my car, yelling for her to get in. FML

今天我老妈喝醉了，裸奔着穿过整个街区，大声叫喊着“她要杀了我！她要杀了我！” 她说的是我，我正开着车追在她后面喊她上车回家。FML
(这情景是多么的欢乐啊，哈哈哈)

Today, I was robbed at work. The guy stole my cell phone, bag, and laptop. Because of the robbery, I had to close the store two and a half hours early. My boss decided to dock my hours. FML

今天我上班的时候被抢了，抢劫犯抢走了我的手机，包包和笔记本。因为这宗抢劫案，我不得不提前两个半小时就关了店，结果我老板因为我早退而扣了我的工作时间。FML
(“我要你的IPHONE，你的鳄鱼皮包，还有你那款限量版的AIPC。”)

Today, I walked across my kitchen to go get my mom a blanket after she shoveled snow. I slipped and caught the kitchen chair with my side, landed on the floor and almost fracturing my knee cap. She then told me she wasn't cold. FML

今天我看见我妈在外面铲雪，怕她冷就穿过厨房去给她拿条毯子。结果滑了一跤，膝盖差点摔裂了。然后老妈告诉我她一点都不冷，不需要什么毯子。FML
(是你的爱让妈妈感到温暖的啊)

Today, my doctor put me on some extra strength antibiotics for an infection. On the label it says "WARNING: may cause Diarrhea"... 'may cause' is a funny term... this is the second time I've sharted in my pants today. FML

今天我的医生为了防止我感染给我开了一些强力的抗生素，药的标签上写着“警告：可能导致腹泻”。后来我才发现“可能”俩字只不过是写着看看而已，今天我已经拉裤子两次了。FML
(这就和“Acfun绝对无鬼畜”是一个性质)

Today, I found out the guy I've been dating is heavily into a mystical card game and spends all of his money going to "Magic" card conventions across the country. FML

今天我发现我男朋友深度沉迷于神秘的卡牌游戏，而且花掉了他全部的积蓄准备跨过大半个国家去参加一项“魔法”卡牌大会。FML
(你没看过《游戏王》么？)

Today, we had our second snow day in a row, something that never happens. So while the rest of school got to sleep late, I had to wake up early, get dressed, and go to my bus stop because my mom didn't believe me. FML

今天是大雪持续的第二天，这个地方从来没有连续下两天雪。学校的所有人都因为放假可以睡懒觉了，而我却不得不早早起床穿衣去赶公交车，不是我自觉，是我妈根本不相信我说的学校放假的事情。FML
(“想骗你老娘你还早了一百年呢！”)

Today, I went to a conference for work. When I got there I sat beside a woman about my age. She immediately got up and moved to the opposite side of the room. We were the only two there. FML

今天上班开会的时候，我走进会议室坐在一位和我年龄相仿的女士旁边，她立刻起身坐到会议室的另外一头去了。整个会议室里面只有我们两个人。FML
(人家害羞嘛～(逃))

Today, I bundled up to shovel my car out of almost 2 feet of snow, only to find my car was gone. I ran into the nearby police station to report my stolen car. The policeman trudged down with me to get a report. I had parked my car on the other side of the street. FML

今天我匆匆忙忙的准备把我的车从2英尺厚的雪中弄出来，结果发现车不见了。我立刻跑到附近的警察局去报告，警局派了一位警员跟我来现场做记录，结果发现我只是把车停在了街道的另外一边。FML
(调戏警察后果很严重,不行,你说你是天然呆也不行!)

Today, I stepped on the scale because I'm trying to maintain a good weight. The scale read that I had lost 6 pounds. Feeling really good about myself, I stepped off the scale only to see that the corner of the scale was sitting on the rug, making the scale mess up and tell me the wrong weight. FML

今天我去称体重看看我的身材保持的怎么样，结果显示我瘦了6磅，这让我我自我感觉相当良好。结果在从秤上下来的时候的时候，我发现秤的一角被地毯垫起来了，刚才的读数根本就不准。FML
(难道不是因为秤多转了一圈?)

Today, I found out the crappy shampoo I've been borrowing from my girlfriend is actually "feminine wash." FML

今天我发现那瓶我从女朋友那里借来的闻起来怪兮兮的香波实际上是妇炎洁 FML
(囧RZ,这条FML今天压轴了)

呵呵 还是沙发呢。


  说实话 还真看不懂

笑话还不错啊，不过后面的旁白跟让人好笑，还能学学英语，真的很不错啊，谢谢楼主

真是看不懂，即使看翻译也感觉没啥可笑的。中西方文化差异吧。